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| HI, JOHN. THANKS FOR THE LETTER. |
| Friday, January 28, 2005 |
John Cleese is credited with the following letter. Although it is not confirmed that he wrote it, the Snipet just wanted to respond to the sentiment. The Snipet's responses are in RED
Letter to America by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
First, John, you never GAVE us our independence, we whipped your lousy butts and took it. You can't "revoke" something you didn't give in the first place. Look it up in the dictionary (reference to below--while you may be able to enunciate well, you sure don't understand English!)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
From reading your UK Guardian it hardly seems that the Right and Honourable Tony Blair has control of his own parliament, much less try to run one over here.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Again, John, you need to look up "revocation". Aparently you don't know what it means either. But that's like a Pom, all style-no substance. Aluminum is the original Greek designation for the metal, and it was later modified just to fit the "ium" endings of most elements. Of course, if you had spend a little more time studying chemistry in college and less time chasing skirts, John, you would know this. Oh, and we'll also go back to spelling check--"cheque". That makes a heck of lot of sense phonetically too, doesn't it. Hey, lets not end it there, John. You English have screwed up your own language to. Lets go back to using v v for w, adding an "e" at the end of words like "pass". Shouldn't son be spelled "sonne"? And you never use v right. Over should be spelled Ouer, not oVer. You have raped your own language, its rather hypocritical of you John for pointing out our disrespect for it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Again, plenty of style, no substance. I guess your vocabulary is exemplary over in grand old England. "Cobber", "Placky", and "Wafty crank" are excellent examples of the King's English, I'm sure.Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
Look up "Wafty Crank", John.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
There is, John. You've lived over here long enough to know it. You don't seem to mind it that much as you have taken a lot of our "US MONEY" to watch your marginal acting. (Let me see, how many different parts have you played? Hmm...let me count them...OH, just one, an arrogant but blundering Englishman who talks well, but is easy to laugh at!)
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
I guess the only English we have come over here for us to hear are the cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian; are there any other kind? No, John, we shouldn't have to distinguish anything. It’s your responsibility to learn how to communicate with US if you come over here. (Just like a Pom--anywhere he goes he thinks the culture should change for him...). The only shire we appreciate is the one in the Lord of the Rings.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
Ever heard of James Bond, John? He's an English good guy. His competent side-kick and support man, Q, died (played by a fabulous actor Desmond Llewelyn) was recently replaced by some bumbling English actor...hmmm...I can't think right off who he was, but his last performance in Bond 20 was frightful. You know, come to think of it, one of the best Bond good guys actually had to be played by a Scot.
Also, most Americans find British humor difficult to understand--between the accents, colloquialism and obscure references, (that you no doubt find funny), we would rather make it a little better. (Although the two you mention are so bad, it’s difficult to make them better).
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
Save her from what? What does it mean for God to save the Queen? You know, I never understood why she needed saving in the first place.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
I looked up “nancies” in the Oxford Dictionary but couldn’t find it.
American "football" generates about $4 billion in revenues each year, which is about 3 times the size of the English economy. American "football" players had sense enough to put pads and helmets on when they play so they don't end up with frequent deaths and permanent vegatative symptoms for the rest of their lives. The rest of the world may not have the sense to protect themselves, or have the money to do it, but over here, we try to apply a little common sense and safety to anything we do. It’s called "self-preservation" (which is probably not in the Oxford Dictionary) over here. Could just as easily insert "stupid" with "brave" in your sentence. I know--I grew up playing Rugby Union and Aussie Rules.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
Or, we could play cricket, a game that has two players run back and forth between wickets that can last for days.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
We are free roaming people here in the United States, with the emphasis on "free". We don't have a parliament or Queen telling us that we have to get permission before we brush our teeth. We don't have checkpoints, and secret police on the street asking us for our papers. And, most of our vegetables over here that require peeling are already peeled for us. We are a rich nation, and usually don't have to do that sort of thing for ourselves.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
Is "Indecisive Day" named in honoUr of your HonoUrable Tony Blair?
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
John, I live in South Carolina. Every new BMW for the last five years has been designed AND produced here in this backward state, by American and German engineers. Come to think of it, does Britian produce any kind of car worth driving? (They're not big sellers over here). But Ic an understand why you think our cars are crap--most of them wouldn't fit on your tiny streets.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
Pinpointing where the first "chip" was fried is kind of difficult, John. It’s like someone saying they were the first to taste an apple. Most of us are unaware of Belgium because...well, frankly, who cares? What has Belgium ever contributed toward the world other than waffles? Warm and flat beer? Then why make it fizzy to begin with? Just urinate in a cup and drink it if you want warm and flat.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
We dumped your tea in the ocean long ago. It's loaded with salt.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Is Knat's urine fizzy? (What is a Knat, by the way?)
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).
We like "gasoline" over here, because it is about 3 dollars less per gallon than your "petrol". You can keep your "petrol" and its name.
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Agreed. (Keep in mind, though, it would be more proper English to say “Adults should only handle guns”). Come to think of it, is that why Brits are not allowed to own guns? You don't have any adults over there?
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Is it really that important to you guys? How about a trade--did the Royals kill Diana?
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Not advisable. We'll do the same thing we did with them in 1776. Remember, over here we have guns.
Thank you for your co-operation.
No, thank YOU, John. Please impress us in Bond 21...we really miss Desmond!
The original letter was posted on the "Light" blog. Pay them a visit by going here
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posted by Jack Mercer @ 1/28/2005 09:52:00 AM   |
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| 6 Comments: |
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John Cleese, or whoever the author of this open letter, can kiss my American bum.
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I think the anti-American left sites are posting this letter---and enjoying it, Bug.
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Jack, I'm not anti-American; I love America! Which is I wish it had a competent president. I got a big kick out of this letter. But I really like your idea about trading the JFK secret for the Diana secret.
But, and I have to say this: John Cleese will have to pry my baseball cards and hot dog from my cold, dead hands.
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Ha! Actually I think John was being very tongue-in-cheek. He's a comedian after all. I thought I would just make fun back :)
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Hi CC, John was being a smart aleck so I thought I would be one back. My website is called the Snipet (all about taking shots at things) so there is always a great deal of sarcasm, CC. (Although I do endeavor to be somewhat objective and educational...or thought provoking).
Thanks for stopping by! We have a huge ice storm going on...which is a big deal for us. I live near Greenville, about 3 hours from Beufort.
Thanks for stopping by the blog, CC.
j
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Hi, Jack! I had to let you know that I received and sent this letter via email about a hundred times on Nov 3, and I think it's hilarious. We Liberals don't have to be anti-American to poke fun at ourselves, do we?? ;-)
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Name: Jack Mercer
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"Snipet" (pronounced: snipe - it) is not a word.It is a derivative of two words: "Snipe" and "Snippet".
Miriam Webster defines Snipe as: to aim a carping or snide attack, or: to shoot at exposed individuals (as of an enemy's forces) from a usually concealed point of vantage.
Miriam Webster defines Snippet as: : a small part, piece, or thing; especially : a brief quotable passage.
In short, "Snipets" are brief, snide shots at exposed situations from a concealed vantage point.
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John Cleese, or whoever the author of this open letter, can kiss my American bum.